Sub Before Dom
By Samantha Cole
“…It’s where I met Max…Max Sterling. He started volunteering there just after New Year’s my senior year and became my first real boyfriend—you know, not just a one-night-stand or a friend-with-benefits. He also became my first Dom.”
Nick’s head whipped up and he stared at Jake in shock. “You-you had a Dom? I mean, you were a submissive?”
A low chuckle emanated from Jake chest. “What? You think Doms just wake up one morning and decide to be one? Think they instantly know how to be one?”
Have you ever given thought to how those Doms and Dommes you love reading about so much got started in the BDSM lifestyle? While some fictional submissives are already experienced in the lifestyle when their story begins, others are BDSM ‘virgins’. However, what about the fictional Dominants? It seems to be uncommon for them to be starting out in the lifestyle in romance books. Usually, their place in the community has been established a long time ago and they are experienced and willing to train any new submissive. But where, when, and how did they become Masters and Mistresses of the night?
There are some authors who stress the concept that a Dom shouldn’t do anything to a submissive which they haven’t experienced for themselves, but it’s not something which comes up often enough. With my background as a police officer, I can easily compare it to my own training. My department had strict guidelines about certain tools of the trade. We had to have it done to us before we were allowed to carry that piece of equipment and use it against a suspect. Obviously, we weren’t shot, but I was pepper-sprayed in the face and then had to try to keep my weapon from being removed from its holster. It was rough going, but I managed to complete the training without getting myself ‘killed in the line of duty’. I was also tasered, which was an interesting experience, to say the least. Nothing like having 50,000 volts shot into your body for a few seconds. My legs buckled and next thing I knew I was on the floor cursing up a storm.
The same concept should hold true for any Dominant in the BDSM lifestyle. There are numerous toys and implements which could seriously damage a submissive if not used correctly. And what better way to learn the effects than to experience it for themselves. Think of what a flogger, bullwhip, hot wax, and canes could do in the hands of an inexperienced Dom. What about suspension play? Or the more extreme types of kink including fire, breath deprivation, or blood play? These all, from the mildest to the extreme, could easily result in permanent physical, emotional, and psychological damage to the submissive.
Any Dom worthy of his title should have experienced all types of play which he or she is interested in bestowing on his submissive. Without that experience, they can train for a long time, yet never quite ‘get it’.
While in fiction, there isn’t always a chance or need to explain how a Dom became a Dom, but when there is, it is a disservice to the lifestyle when the opportunity is missed. Dom’s don’t wake up on morning and decide to be one. It takes training and the desire to protect their submissives in every way possible. When they know what to expect from certain play, it helps them to understand what the submissive should be and is feeling during it. They should never be willing to do anything to their subs which they wouldn’t agree to have done to themselves.
Finding out how a Dominant started in the lifestyle also gives the reader a longer and, maybe, an important view into the character’s background and why they are in the lifestyle to begin with. Then the reader can fully enjoy all aspects of the budding relationship between the Dom and his new submissive, knowing the former has done everything in his/her power to ensure the sub is protected. A Dom who has experienced all types of play they are interested in is an educated one, therefore being one step closer to being a Dom worthy of his partner’s submission.
Samantha A. Cole is a retired policewoman and former paramedic who has started a third career as an author. She has lived her entire life in the suburbs of New York City and has plans to become a ‘snow-bird’ between New York and Florida. Her two dogs, Jinx and Bella, keep her company and remind their ‘mom’ to take a break from writing every once in a while to go for a walk, of course with them in tow. An avid reader since childhood, Samantha was often found with a book in hand and sometimes one in each. After being gifted with a stack of romance novels from her grandmother, her love affair with the genre began in her teens. Samantha is continuing to work on the Trident Security series as well as a new trilogy, The Malone Brothers. She also has a few other stand-alone books in the works.
You can contact Samantha at:
This post is part of a guest series to promote the release of Show Me, Sir by Sonni de Soto.